Confessions
Some say that maybe I was hallucinating with all the spiritual episodes I experienced, and the visions and mirages I see both with open eyes and in my internal sight. But it doesn’t matter; I can’t force them to believe. I only have to let these things out for the moment has come, and I cannot keep it all into my self forever. Somehow, I have to share it to others.
This is a form of unfolding, which takes flesh in Bible sharing, for you can’t help but share the scripture texts and the transformation that you experienced, I for one in my escapade. Somehow God gave these to me not for myself but that I may be a witness to others about the wonders and the good things that God permits in our lives.
Somehow these seemingly supernatural experiences was intensified by the Hindu form of meditation particularly yoga which I have ceased to practice already. Likewise, its effects remained with me, which helped me think clearly and see some things that others don’t perceive. There are moments that I seem to live in the world of spirits with the flow back of thoughts serving as my guide on what to do in some particular instances and which way to go or whether I have to proceed in a certain place or not.
On a hand, there are times that God seems to allow me to be placed on the spot that I may learn from that experience and subdue my pride even if I have to face some painful accusations. However, there are times that I need to be prudent enough to maintain my respect to my self in a way that it won’t offend others. Somehow, it is my nature to be silent if I am thinking on what to write about while on the computer. I may be misinterpreted in this way, and I might not win their sympathy, thus, I need to devise a way for communication to proceed.
I might not be able to resolve this problem easily with me somehow prevented in a way as the scenes of my past flashes back. I need to be strong enough to exist transcendent from the hesitation I feel that I may restore my being friendly and that I may be happy too with their company. By being too open enough I may be relieved of the stain, but it is my hope that even now, I will efface in my memory those sad experiences and only retain what is the good.
I need not be in pain by appearing indifferent choosing secrecy than I would have to open some sensitive facets of my life, though these increase their doubts. I should take enough courage to face even those that are hard to please by being too tangible with my presence. It may not be easy to do so but they too deserve to be enlightened even be clarified with the things they bother to presume. It is better to appear an intruder than being unconcerned with their portion of tranquility. I might not be good in trying to appease their feelings, but I may serve as a being tangible enough to provide answer to their questions.
“I love the tiny green island surrounded by the sea,” was the echo from my being. Somehow I concocted a world of my own with many brothers to help me even with the lashes of their tongues. But that was before, and at present it seems I have lost my guts to befriend them as I appear indifferent to the purity of their discussion while hoping to relate well with them and scale to their level knowing well that the way they think is unique with me seemingly left by time as I was caught in the realm of Gen-X progress acting like a grandfather to them.
Here as I paused, I’m bothered if I’m really rejected, a nuisance in their eyes even with my eyeglasses on. Somehow those who loved me with these were my friends, have gone away and had their own lives, even my newest friends, since I could only find them now in my friendster. Some had gone abroad or busy with their married life while I was left alone in the midst of the seemingly sea. Likewise I feel glory that I have my mother, even dad has died recently, and my sisters too even my only brother already passed away, moreover my in-laws by my kin, which include my nieces and nephews, and my relatives and friends.
I’m caught in a sort of alienation that I felt when I’ve attempted to commit suicide in Boracay. But though I was debilitated, I am in mirth that I was tranquil and composed with my depression being gone. Somehow time will come that I would be convinced that I am part of these young though I’m older, and would feel their affirmation and concern, and we be the same birds with similar feather as I also speak their kind of language.
Love begets love, but I’ve detected that rejection is itself an affirmation because they care to speak while others prefer to be in cliché. I’m only hesitating to be vocal because I do not know their names unlike my friends in RMCAT that I have a complete list of their names and other info about them. Time will come, we’ll relate in the gut level, helping one another do what is preferred and enjoyed in the circle of love and affirmation.
Love? When was the last time I thought about love? I felt love when I too was forgiven of my offenses in the time that I hated much my self and those who ruined my life. As I am dispensed, I am bound to forgive. With my resurrection, I did enjoy the flowers of springtime forgetting that once in my life, I had a share of Job’s sorrow.
